becoming
June 11, 2024
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I always hated writing this date, but when I do so the European way, it’s not as triggering.
6/11 always gets me. It's the night we had to call 911. Basically, the same number if the 6 were flipped upside down. -
I want to do something today — for him. I wish I could go to the beach — swim with him. At the same time just being here, I’m with him. He’s with me, always. I am him.
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I'm more of a Daddy's Girl.
Maybe that's why I enjoy the company of fun, loving men more? I don't want to dissect my "daddy issues" here — I think it’s simply just fair to say I miss him. Like incredibly so. I miss you, Dad. -
Where would I be in this world if you were still around?
It's impossible to say because life takes incredible turns when incredible things happen in one’s life. -
What could I do for Dad today? First thing that came to mind was to write. He was a writer. I got this craft from him. I got a lot from him. I am him.
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Sometimes it feels like he’s pouring out of me as I write. Maybe that sounds woo woo, but I don’t care care.
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I know he'd be proud of the person I am. I almost said, “...the person I've ‘become’.” I don’t think we become anyone. We just are. Always evolving. Becoming is never there. Being is presence. And I’ll always be my father’s daughter. I won't become anything. Else. Anyone. Else. Just me. A daddy’s girl who lost her daddy way too soon in life, but fulfilling the life he gave me with who he was and is through me.
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I feel I’m onto something with this “becoming” thing and I want to see where the pen takes me.
In German, "bekommen" means "to get." And I would guess that maybe our “to become” derives from this Germanic word. They’re similar but different. Their meanings both acknowledge a state of being that's an action being acted upon.
In a way, to become something or someone in English signifies getting to a point or person that’s different than thyself in that moment of presence. It's a changing of state.
It's “getting” or “bekommen" something. It’s a “taking of.” And maybe that's what rubs me the wrong way. As it it's a verb that we feel we need to lean into “to become” someone or something else.
Better. Stronger. Smarter. Happier.
Like we need to get to a distant self that isn't actually ours. Can't we just be. Satisfied. With not becoming or getting to be anyone or anywhere? Else. And be comfortable in just being. Ourselves. True. Being.
Getting nowhere and somewhere at the same time because we are me.