forgive not

I know at high levels of enlightenment people forgive people. For really horrible things.

To be honest, forgiving someone for almost taking my one precious life away just isn’t in my person. Even being the spiritual person that I am. 

If he were to ask for forgiveness, would I give him that? Does it make me a bad person for not? I think not. At the same time as I write this, guilt is coming up for not forgiving. To free myself even more than I already feel, more than I am.

But here we are, where victims and survivors who have already been hurt hard enough — traumatized even — are riddled with the icky feeling of guilt, if we don’t forgive. 

Even after a decade, I really don’t give a fuck about this person as he obviously didn’t give one fuck about me when he brought me as close as one can be with death.

So here I am fucking off guilt because fuck that. 

I should NOT have to forgive. Instead, I can do what I need to do for me and GIVE myself space and grace to keep healing, transforming into the best version of myself. 

And for me, that’s holding my ground. Not doing what might be considered the “right” thing to do because that’s what others would do to achieve enlightenment. 

Instead, I’ll take my light by doing what’s right by me, myself and my feelings. 

Maybe I’ll feel like forgiving tomorrow. Maybe in another decade. Maybe not. Maybe never.